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"How can anyone believe in a God whose servants abuse children and whose hierarchy protects the abuser?"
More by JohnB - Living the final years of the Catholic Cover up

JohnB Marriage and Child Rearing
Bookmark and Share      Created: 2015-12-26 01:15:14   Last updated : 2015-12-28 10:18:39

Recovery v Healing

Marriage and Child Rearing

We differed in that she was unwilling to address her own early abuse and instead she chose to take her anger about that out on me; she was incapable of acting responsibly when presented with the knowledge of how toxic and harmful that was for her own child. Her need for revenge or greed over-rode her drive to nurture and to protect her own child. There was that and there was an incident by her mother engaging in fellatioand a sick talk-fest of her own bizarre sexual obsessions with my 4 month old child.

Saying no to her demand to have a second child was a difficult but warranted decision I had to make. Looking back this was the turning point where my relationship with Alice began to diminish.

We were in increasing disagreement about the basics of upbringing and child development; I became a risk because of the first words I spoke to my child - "Between you and I always the truth". Our relationship had developed and grew on an active process of understanding our own childhoods - we were never ignorant of our own origins. The essence of this absurd form of thinking was that anything positive or progressive, any worthwhile suggesting or topics raised for discussion that I proposed had to be squashed, hijacked or stolen.

I stayed simply because my child deserved better than an involvement in the toxic secretive abusive culture of her family and their connections with the Catholic church without someone there to stand in the way of such a infectious environment.

Rage, bartering, anger, blackmail, sabotage both on a personal and professional level became her mode of engagement. An absolute refusal to acknowledge or to address the constant issues that came as a result simply made life miserable and toxic in many ways and simply sucked the life out of any ability to act as a supportive partner. I was described to neighbours as not being supportive when I was refusing to use physical or psychological punishment, when I refused to barter or trade or to speak of what was real in our lives.

My own childhood abuse was repeatedly used to blackmail and to obfuscate what was actually happening. A toxic connection to the Catholic church did not sit well in the knowledge of my abuse as a child; that became a threatening situation and further fuelled her emotions.

My son and I were the unwilling recipients of persistent vicarious trauma, intimidation and emotional blackmail - access to or the threat of access to and involvement in my child's life was used as a means of keeping the actions of her mother towards my child a secret - I wonder if she realises yet that it was that conduct that made her into a failed mother herself.  The most telling in this regard to me is that there was nothing of that nature in my childhood for me to pick up on it. Onthe other hand Alice's telling of her childhood was filled with these forms of blackmail and abuse.

At times it felt like some twisted form of tit for tat that was running on some bizarre form of reasoning.

At the time of writing this I have not seen any indication that those dysfunctional trust issues have been addressed or that there is the consideration that they should be or should have been. No child needs their entire childhood overshadowed by the dysfunctional and abusive and sick agenda of his mother and grandmother.

Every person touched by this has been injured or sullied in some respect; I wonder if her need personal revenge brought the satisfaction into her life as I assume this must be what she thought/felt. Being successful in whatever endeavor it was simply took away from her ability to be a good mother.

A recent attempt at connecting by Alice went haywire again when it resulted in my sending the following in an email after being emotionally  jerked around yet again by this early childhood expert. This encounter was eventually more educational as there were a number of patterns confirmed and some interesting questions posed as to prompts and expectations of her attempting to contact me in this way. If she has not gotten past replaying her own childhood at me then she remains at risk of replaying or projecting her toxic childhood on to the next generation of children.


-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject: Alice <Alice.Brown@usq.edu.au>
Date: Sat, 31 Oct 2015 09:41:38 +1000
From: JohnB <johnB@johnbacademy.com>
To: Alice Brown


Alice,
I am writing with regard to your recent toxic tactic of involving [our child]
in your contact with me around his birthday. You have successfully caused angst
for both of us in that regard hence this mail which I will see gets to you by
whatever means it takes. Along with that comes a repeat of my offer to discuss
with you the issues between us in either an on the record confidential manner
or in an on the record public forum.As a result of your gaslighting I recently 
put the following together which I feel touches on a major part of those issues.
 
It was my responsibility as his parent to address my own childhood abuse
with the help of professionals due to the knowledge gained of the impact
that Alice and I had both explored together in great detail with regard
to her own childhood abuse and her damaged relationship with her own father
for some 10 years prior to our marriage.
 
On the other hand Alice chose to dump her emotional garbage onto us as a
family despite entreaties to seek professional assistance and to then
turn on me to take the anger of her own childhood experience and
failings out on myself and our child - all of us were disadvantaged by this.
 
To do this in full knowledge of the destructive outcomes can be called a
lack of comprehension or as a response to trauma and/or the blackmail
that she was often subjected to by her family; continuing to avoid the
reality of that today these toxic events can no longer cause me any harm
or difficulty as it simply is and has been our reality; unfortunately I
am not the only person these issues have harmed.
 
In response to her statement of who do I think I am to challenge her
actions. I am the father of her child and it is in his best (and in
respect to his rights also) interest that I have persisted throughout
his childhood and on into adulthood simply because of the long-term
effects these forms of abuse have on every individual touched by them
and this affects their relationships and affects any children he may
have. In these cases the adults have the responsibility to not shed
toxic aspects of their life onto their children.
 
Unfortunately recovery from these abuses requires a participatory approach
which appears to be beyond her scope and ability, that will
unfortunately remain a shame and results only in pity and frustration
and anger at the senselessness of it. As always our actions speak for us; a
lack of genuine engagement denies me nothing as I simply progress further
through the recovery process on my own path while her actions can only impede
those others affected by this toxic experience.
 
We each carry a responsibility in the outcome however our primary abusers
continue to deceive and to abuse children with their fear and
their religious mythology and superstitions and we get to be harmed
vicariously by that ignorance. Please acknowledge receipt of this communication
so I can stop being creative or assertive about the many different ways it can
be delivered.
 
JohnB


All of it so unnecessary.

All of it unwanted.

I am proud that even in the midst of being forced back into some of my own nightmare through events in my family in Toowoomba I had a bully brother from my own childhood resurface as a result of falling for the trap being publicly offered by the Catholic church to those of us who had been abused in our childhoods by Catholic clergy and its toxic Melbourne response that appears to have been schooled in complete ignorance of the affects of these abuses on individuals or the community. Carelink stood out as a repository of failed psychology and care.

Carelink was broken. Broken at every step and at every level as it had to conform with the Catholic ethos (the same applies in education and health) where the only true form of healing can come from a return to Jesus and God in the particular form that is practised by the Catholic Church else you are doomed for eternity - there is nothing more simple than that in the Catholic church.

The strategy I deployed was successful in many many ways yet it was not in many others.

Would I do it again? Yes without a moments hesitation.

Learning the truth of your experience brings immense chunks of recovery.

Part of that truth is that our upbringing had very little to do with the increasing amounts of evidence that Science was producing. There was an increasing need to be more sophisticated in their abuses.

The only evidence that you need is evidence that stands the test of reality and is replicable and understandable by your peers or Scientific evidence instead of faith based evidence. When both examples are looked at the answer is simple when the evidence for the word faith clearly shows that there is no need for evidence in a faith belief so any degree of sophistry, trickery or deception is permissible.

When any degree of sophistry, trickery or deception is permissible and engaged in in a relationship there are going to be casualties and a great deal of harm done to any unfortunate children who are in the proximity through no fault or choosing of their own.

A parents responsibility is to protect and to defend the rights of the child; that responsibility becomes toxic when the child or his parent is deemed to have no rights according to one of its parents. That was the reality that my child faced; that was something toxic in his life that he was going to at some point have to face and deal with emotionally.

After a particularly difficult encounter with the in-laws where I was knocked unconscious and attacked in my own home - any notions that Alice could see any issue with were dispelled by her explanation that I was not being supportive of her and her family I was prompted to put a sign on my child's door that said - to all those who enter this place ..... my greatest regret is that our child 
was exposed to this for the duration of his childhood and that there is no acknowledgement from those close to him that there is or was a problem. In my understanding of these matters that clearly says that the risks continue.
 
What do you do when a mother wants to talk about herself and not about our child - that has been a huge aspect of the disaster our son was exposed to. Being related to the local bishop and being blackmailed by her mother and family were there and were both obvious and were stated plainly an d clearly along with a plea to address the issue with a professional. I got so exasperated on one occasion that I wrote it down only to find it torn up in the wheelie bin. 
 
I saw and valued my child's rights very differently than did his mother. 
 
 
 

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"How can anyone believe in a God whose servants abuse children and whose hierarchy protects the abuser?"


Myth #2 - Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males.

Pedophiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedophiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors. While many child molesters have gender and/or age preferences, of those who seek out boys, the vast majority are not homosexual. They are pedophiles.


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